dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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