i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
