UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
