you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
