i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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