I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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