Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
