I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
