The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
