Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize