How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
