Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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