he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
