Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
