She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
