last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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