omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
