nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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