Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
