??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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