She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
