I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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