He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
should my penis look like a turkey
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
