so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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