What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize