dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize