I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize