Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's rum buckets o'clock
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
