I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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