she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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