the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
