I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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