he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize