Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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