Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
