someone get that fucking seahorse.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
