I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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