my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
