I'm pants shitting drunk right now
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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