in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
