I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just tell him i said nine months
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize