You can't motorboat a personality
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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