There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
