I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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