I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
