Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
