everyone is single if you try hard enough
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
