why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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