You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
