I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
