If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think weed is turning my hair brown
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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