i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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