Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
