This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
