I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
